Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Just Add Money: Antarctica Condoms

Here's another very short article that you can read for yourself if you'd like, but I'll explain it a bit because I have a few comments.

Basically, a year's supply of condoms (16,500) was sent to a US research base in Antarctica in anticipation of winter darkness, where the sun will not rise again until August 20th.

The article says they are being provided for free in order to "avoid the potential embarrassment of having to buy them." I don't really understand what that means. Maybe they mean that if you're cheating on your partner, it would be bad news if they were also the one in charge of the selling of products on the base.

The base manager then says, "Since everybody knows everyone, it becomes a little bit uncomfortable." So maybe it just means people are such close friends that they don't want to have to buy condoms from each other. But if there's such a need for all these condoms, I'd say everyone is actually VERY COMFORTABLE with each other.

Long story short, it sounds like a lot of sex happens at the base during winter darkness, and that's where the movie idea comes in.

WARNING: This one is a little dirty. That's Hollywood for you.

Title: "Station Sex"

Format: A direct-to-DVD film. In fact, let's just make it "American Pie presents Station Sex".

Tone: Crude sex comedy.

Story: Three nerdy, horny, virgin researchers learn about Station Sex, where even the goofiest scientists can get laid because for a few months out of the year, there's no one else available.

They pull some sort of elaborate stunt to get transfered there. Maybe they fake a discovery that can only be researched there. Or they break into some office and change some files.

Upon arrival, they meet the Station Sex Stud, the best looking and doucheiest scientist in the world, who makes it his mission each year to keep any and all ladies from having to lower themselves to the degrading position of being serviced by "Geek Dicks." There's plenty of him to go around for the ladies.

From here, it's basically one disgusting, potentially hilarious (but more likely cringe-inducing) sex joke after another. The set-up gives us scientific equipment, sub-zero temperatures, and total darkness. Just imagine some of the possibilities:

-A girl promises to meet a guy in one of the vehicles outside (in the dark) but it's an elaborate joke because someone else goes in her place. Most likely a fat chick or a gay guy. Funny.

-Some kinky girl likes to do stuff with the beakers. Amusing.

-Someone gets locked outside in his underwear. While this would probably kill him in real life, in the movie it just means that his scrotum gets frozen to his thigh and has to be peeled loose. Hilarious.

-Someone ejaculates outside. It freezes, and they mix it with someone's ice in his drink. Sidesplitting.

Ending: Honestly it doesn't really matter. At least one of the three guys actually falls in love and watches that first new sunrise with his new girl. (This is pretty similar to the ending of American Pie, actually.) Another one probably hooked up with the kinky beaker girl and barely escaped with his life. And the last guy...maybe the Station Sex Stud's mom works there too?


Michael Escoto said...

You're one sick guy! Entertaining, but sick.

But if you're going to make an American Pie presents comedy you cannot forget the staple someone drinking urine scene (probably during a failed attempt on making moonshine) and the priceless, someone getting caught with porn/pleasuring themselves. And I really feel more penguins would need to be involved.

Jon Pyle said...

You are a genius. This has become my favorite blog feature.

Instead of blog posts you should just start writing spec scripts (I don't even know what that means) or something. In fact, why not make it "National Lampoon presents", since we may be able to get it to their people in a more expedient fashion.

Jonathan K said...

Escoto: I think urine/semen drinking is interchangeable, but I do like the moonshine idea.

But yes, you're right about the penguins.

Pyle: A "spec script" is short for a "speculation script," which simply means that you write it without being offered money or any sort of contract upfront. So it's what all first-time writers do.

It takes quite awhile for me to write a script that I think it actually good (haha), but I suppose I could write one of those much more quickly.

And yes, it could ABSOLUTELY be a National Lampoon movie.