I recently rented National Lampoon's Cattle Call. Though this was strictly for research purposes, I’m still ashamed. And since I was going to have to watch this thing anyway, I figured we should both get some entertainment out of it. So I liveblogged it.
As it turns out, it was far from the worst comedy I’ve ever seen. That’s not to say it was good. It was horribly put together, featuring lots of shots but very few actual scenes. Still, it genuinely made me laugh a couple of times.
Here’s a brief description of the plot to get you started: Three friends start a fake production company to audition hot women to find potential mates. (So really, it’s a comic turn on the uber-disturbing Japanese horror film Audition. Seriously, if you watch that, don’t say I didn’t warn you.)
10 seconds: The opening credits actually have some decent production value. For some reason, the font reminds me of Abercrombie & Fitch.
1 minute, 44 seconds: The film opens with a guy (Richie) on the computer. My guess was he would be looking at porn, but it turns out to be a video dating service. Girls talk to the camera. They go with the “shotgun” technique and throw about twenty at us, hoping some are funny. And in case we don’t understand what’s funny about their personalities, their ridiculous screennames drive home the point.
3 minutes, 31 seconds: While playing basketball, Richie’s friend Sherman tells a “story” about how he was at the casting agency where his sister works and tried to call a girl who they had rejected by using her headshot. But the most disgruntled janitor ever shows up demanding to throw it away because “that’s his job.”
Richie makes a joke that they should create a casting agency to meet girls, and Sherman thinks it’s a great idea. So the first act was four minutes long, apparently.
4 minutes, 54 seconds: In the very next scene, they are getting responses to their ad. But they haven’t found a space to hold the auditions. Good planning, guys.
5 minutes, 57 seconds: They call their other friend, Glenn. It’s Oswald from “The Drew Carey Show.” He answers a Lego phone. Take that, Juno.
7 minutes, 58 seconds: They divide headshots into two boxes, one that says “Dump Her” and one that says “Keep Her.” So they literally went to the trouble of making a box and printing out fancy lettering for that.
Also, there’s a Morgan Fairchild joke. Strange. I don’t think the typical viewing audience would get that.
One of the guys declares that a headshot is like a personal ad. Not too far from the truth.
10 minutes, 18 seconds: There’s a National Lampoon’s Gold Diggers poster in the background of the “production office.” Classic.
14 minutes, 32 seconds: The girl that will wind up being Richie’s love interest (Marina) calls at the exact moment that he is looking at her headshot. Impossible.
15 minutes, 7 seconds: A HUGE line of women waiting to audition. Even if that were believable, when Glenn (who’s pretending to be the non-existent film’s director) comes out, they begin to whisper that he’s the director and then TOTALLY MOB him.
I like Oswald too, but get serious.
18 minutes: Women waiting in line for the only bathroom as Glenn is inside. They discuss listening to a guy’s pee to determine how big his dick is.
Sherman overhears this and goes in next, claiming he has to get back for the auditions. But then he can’t pee. (Gee, since you didn’t really HAVE to go, are you surprised?)
He grabs some sort of fire extinguisher that sprays water and uses it to pretend that he’s peeing. Why isn’t there a REAL fire extinguisher? And why is this one in the bathroom?
21 minutes, 56 seconds: The first appearance of a vibrator.
A woman auditioning sings a song that goes, “All men should die; All they do is shit and lie.”
23 minutes: Marina shows up for the audition with her dog in tow. She apologizes and claims that she “never does this,” but it’s also established that she just drove into town, making this her first audition.
24 minutes, 15 seconds: Glenn has an unexplained coughing fit. It’s not funny. Just confusing and weird.
28 minutes, 20 seconds: “No one in Hollywood who says they're gonna make a movie actually makes one.” So true.
32 minutes, 20 seconds: Marina doesn’t want to admit that she’s living out of her car, so when Richie asks her where’s she living, she says it’s “kind of embarrassing.” He responds, “Oh, are you in Orange County?”
That’s actually really funny.
37 minutes, 54 seconds: The first appearance of a strip club.
41 minutes, 38 seconds: Sherman “auditions” a girl at his apartment that missed the “actual” auditions. He plays electric guitar, and after his solo, she responds, “I almost climaxed.” Then she proceeds to give him the most awkward blowjob ever, as she wants him to keep playing the guitar.
43 minutes, 44 seconds: The guys get their “script” by writing down the English subtitles from a foreign film. Pretty funny idea.
44 minutes, 12 seconds: Jonathan Winters makes a cameo as a crazy, belligerent studio tour guide. This just makes me sad. Plus I can barely understand what he’s saying. And I honestly don’t know why this scene is here.
1 hour, 1 minute, 51 seconds: After Richie tells Marina the truth, she tells the other two woman that have been “cast” as leads. And one of them reveals that she’s undercover. WTF?
1 hour, 3 minutes, 19 seconds: Richie wants out of the deal, but the other guys want to keep it up. Perhaps it would be a good idea to tell them that he told Marina it was fake.
1 hours, 5 minutes, 23 seconds: The “trap” that the undercover reporter sets is that the three of them want to make the film more pornographic, so they want to film themselves having sex with the guys so that they can study it.
This is how they are luring them in. Amazing.
1 hours, 8 minutes, 32 seconds: Richie leaves, but the other two guys strip and wait for the girls in a separate hotel room. But instead, a hefty dominatrix and a biker chick come over. Then the police rush in.
Um…so who the hell sent this woman undercover?
1 hour, 12 minutes: Richie has twenty four hours to provide evidence to clear their name. My question is: why isn’t he in jail too? He conned the girls just like the other two guys.
1 hour, 15 minutes, 30 seconds: Richie storms in with his “evidence” after the judge has made the sentence. Pretty sure that makes it too late.
1 hour, 18 minutes, 26 seconds: Instead of using the footage to make a movie about guys creating a fake casting agency, which is what I thought he would do, he made a trailer that pretended like it was a reality show. Lame.
1 hour, 21 minutes, 27 seconds: Marina takes him back without him having to do anything other than show up. Lazy writing.