Just Add Money: Stupid 911 Calls

Two days in a row, there have been news stories about stupid people calling 911 for idiotic reasons.

One man became belligerent at a Subway when they didn’t put the spicy sauce on his Italian sub. They locked him out of the store when he went outside to call the police, via 911. Why this malady couldn’t easily be corrected I don’t know, but the fact that the man called 911 lets me know he wasn’t exactly rational. My favorite part is that he called a second time because police weren’t arriving quickly enough.

In the second story, a man called to report that a slot machine in a Hard Rock Hotel & Casino stole his money. He also called twice, so the “heat of the moment” argument is busted.

It just so happens that both of these calls happened in Florida. Not to say anything negative about a whole state based on just two people, but it must be full of idiots.

Anyway, I’m curious to hear more about these incidents, as there are a lot of questions left unanswered. Did these men later realize the error of their ways, or are they still insisting they were in the right? How exactly do the police handle such things when they show up? Why are people still eating at Subway? (Was there not a Quizno’s nearby?)

But there’s something more urgent than getting the answers to these questions. I want to hear more of these stories. Everyone loves a dumb criminal story, but these are even better. (The ultimate would be criminals calling 911, which I’m sure has happened numerous times.)

This could easily be a TV show. It’s like something Fox would have done in the 90’s. Which means it’s something pretty much any network would do now.

Title: I’ve thought about it, and honestly, there’s nothing that beats Idiot 911!

Format: Obviously you’d need to present the story, but there are a number of ways you could expand it. Interviews with the police or other people involved. If you could get interviews with the person that called, even better, especially if they still don’t think they did anything wrong.

You could even do a sort of parody of the old Rescue 911! and have badly staged reenactments. I might feel bad about myself afterwards, but I’d watch that show at least once.

Tone: No one would ever go for this, but I think it would be hilarious if it was played seriously, sort of like The Colbert Report. But let’s be honest and say that it would be snarky to the max. Actually, you should try to get Perez Hilton to host. At least these people deserve to be mocked.

Story: Well that’s up to the American people to be stupid. I’m sure we won’t be disappointed.

Just Add Money: Pregnancy Pact

Here's another story that could easily be turned into a movie:

There's some other layers to the story as people have now come forward saying there was no pact. Luckily, movies aren't concerned with the truth, so we can do what we want with the story.

Erik Davis over at Cinematical wrote an article (based on a tip from a previous article) that the people at the school first blamed the rise of pregnancies on the film Juno before finding out about the pact.

While I'm not sure whether or not that really happened, I do agree with Erik that this film could be pitched as "the next Juno."

So here you have it:

Title: It would be more "indie" (not to mention avoid being stupid) to have a title that doesn't directly play off of a term associated pregnancy. However, I don't think it should just be the character's name. (Though I enjoy plenty of movies that are character names, I always wish they had better titles.)

I don't have the perfect answer, but Little Mamas ain't bad. And as a joke, I really love What To Suspect When They're Expecting.

Format: This is an indie-comedydrama, so let's keep it at a short running time. Anything close to two hours is pushing it.

Tone: A mixture of Juno and Brick. This means we'll create our own slang and phrases. Also, though it will be hilarious, it can still have some dramatic, heart-warming moments.

Story: In order to avoid being too distasteful, we'll change the location. For some reason, I like Texas. We can make up our own "Southern" terminology and most people won't know whether or not it's real. (We can throw some real ones in there just to keep it interesting.) Texas might be mad at us, but no one there watches independent films anyway, unless they live near a film festival. (According to Hollywood, at least.)

Our story will follow an intelligent-but-doesn't-apply-herself, could-be-a-cheerleader-but-chooses-not-to-be, doesn't-have-a-good-relationship-with-her-parents girl. She wants to be a reporter. An important reporter, not the anchor for the local news station, thank you very much.

We'll start with her trying to get to the bottom of the biggest story this school year. The number of pregnant girls has quadrupled, and no one knows why. The reporter girl wants to get at the bottom of it, so she spends time interviewing the pregnant girls. Everyone seems to be hiding something.

When spending time with her own boyfriend, he says very negative things about the other girls and their pregnancies. Surprisingly, our female reporter doesn't argue with him as much as we think she should based on her personality.

At some point, we see her secretly looking at a sonogram hidden in her room. She's pregnant too. But still, she doesn't know whatever it is these people know. But she's damn sure going to find out.

Ending: Finally, she gets someone to admit the truth. The girls all decided together to purposefully get pregnant and help each other raise their babies because they wanted someone who would love them. The reporter chastises this girl (and the rest of them) for being so stupid.

Later she talks to her boyfriend and says she feels bad for saying that. After all, she slept with him because she wanted someone to love her. He says that he does love her. So she asks him, "What if I told you I was pregnant?"

He goes off on her and reveals himself as a real dick, blaming her and refusing to take any responsibility. Then she drops the bombshell. She was pregnant. She's not anymore.

When he tries to take it all back, she rips him a new one before storming out.

She goes home and finally connects with her parents, telling them everything. It's an emotional moment because we've seen how disconnected they are. She finally realizes that she does have people who love her.

Cut to a few months into the future when the young single mothers are having a hell of a time tending to their kids. The reporter girl helps them out, both apologizing to them and enjoying herself with the kids.. Plus she's written a book about the whole ordeal or something cool that gets her into a kick-ass college.

Just Add Money: Antarctica Condoms

Here's another very short article that you can read for yourself if you'd like, but I'll explain it a bit because I have a few comments.

Basically, a year's supply of condoms (16,500) was sent to a US research base in Antarctica in anticipation of winter darkness, where the sun will not rise again until August 20th.

The article says they are being provided for free in order to "avoid the potential embarrassment of having to buy them." I don't really understand what that means. Maybe they mean that if you're cheating on your partner, it would be bad news if they were also the one in charge of the selling of products on the base.

The base manager then says, "Since everybody knows everyone, it becomes a little bit uncomfortable." So maybe it just means people are such close friends that they don't want to have to buy condoms from each other. But if there's such a need for all these condoms, I'd say everyone is actually VERY COMFORTABLE with each other.

Long story short, it sounds like a lot of sex happens at the base during winter darkness, and that's where the movie idea comes in.

WARNING: This one is a little dirty. That's Hollywood for you.

Title: "Station Sex"

Format: A direct-to-DVD film. In fact, let's just make it "American Pie presents Station Sex".

Tone: Crude sex comedy.

Story: Three nerdy, horny, virgin researchers learn about Station Sex, where even the goofiest scientists can get laid because for a few months out of the year, there's no one else available.

They pull some sort of elaborate stunt to get transfered there. Maybe they fake a discovery that can only be researched there. Or they break into some office and change some files.

Upon arrival, they meet the Station Sex Stud, the best looking and doucheiest scientist in the world, who makes it his mission each year to keep any and all ladies from having to lower themselves to the degrading position of being serviced by "Geek Dicks." There's plenty of him to go around for the ladies.

From here, it's basically one disgusting, potentially hilarious (but more likely cringe-inducing) sex joke after another. The set-up gives us scientific equipment, sub-zero temperatures, and total darkness. Just imagine some of the possibilities:

-A girl promises to meet a guy in one of the vehicles outside (in the dark) but it's an elaborate joke because someone else goes in her place. Most likely a fat chick or a gay guy. Funny.

-Some kinky girl likes to do stuff with the beakers. Amusing.

-Someone gets locked outside in his underwear. While this would probably kill him in real life, in the movie it just means that his scrotum gets frozen to his thigh and has to be peeled loose. Hilarious.

-Someone ejaculates outside. It freezes, and they mix it with someone's ice in his drink. Sidesplitting.

Ending: Honestly it doesn't really matter. At least one of the three guys actually falls in love and watches that first new sunrise with his new girl. (This is pretty similar to the ending of American Pie, actually.) Another one probably hooked up with the kinky beaker girl and barely escaped with his life. And the last guy...maybe the Station Sex Stud's mom works there too?

Just Add Money: Closet Dweller

Here's another news story that could easily be made into a movie. It's a short article if you want to read it, but here's the gist: A Japanese man discovered a homeless woman that had been secretly living in his closet for over a year.

I see two very different directions it could go. Option #1 would be a romantic comedy and Option #2 would be a horror/thriller.

Title: With Option #1, you need something cute and sweet that also plays with the fact that someone is secretly hiding in a person's house. Yet you don't want it to sound creepy. Since they would obviously eventually fall in love at the end, I like "Right Under Your Nose."

You also want to play with the subject matter for Option #2, but the title needs to be a bit unsettling. I'd go with "Uninvited."

Format: Both options would be feature films.

Tone: Not many "realistic" romantic comedies are made anymore, but just for clarification's sake: Option #1 would be an over-the-top romantic comedy. An even more far-fetched version of Win a Date with Tad Hamilton. (That will make more sense once I explain my idea for the story.)

It would also have a lot of slapstick/physical humor where the woman is about to be discovered and then hides at the last moment. That's always funny.

Option #2 has the chance to be really cheesy, but I think a deeply serious tone would make for a pretty great film. My idea for it sets it up as something entirely different from what it ultimately becomes, so think along the lines of Hard Candy.

Story: It should go without saying that in both options we're switching everything to America. Also, I think we need to significantly shorten the amount of time the woman goes undetected. Truth is stranger than fiction, after all.

Option #1: The basic idea is that a girl obsessed with a celebrity sneaks into his place and winds up living there, either continuously or off and on. Obviously you have to figure out some way to make this not as creepy as it should be and avoid making the girl look completely insane.

You'll need a younger actress playing a girl in college. Her friends/sorority sisters dare her to go into some heartthrob's house and steal something for their collection. He arrives back home, and she has to hide. She learns a lot about him and falls in love for real.

It might be nice to keep him home for an extended period (at least at first) so that she can't get away. Maybe he's under house arrest. Or maybe he has to stick around for the weekend to read some script.

However, at some point they have to meet in the "real world" so that she can use the inside information she's gained to make him fall for her.

At some point while she's hiding at his place, she should do little things that she knows he likes, such as make his bed in a certain way or buy some treats he likes. He can think the maid is doing it. Even though it's still creepy, it's also sweet.

Option #2: A homeless woman ventures into an empty house looking for food. The husband and wife that live there show up, and she has to hide. She spends the night and realizes it's a sweet deal for her if she can stay hidden.

For awhile, we're afraid for the couple because she spies on them and things like that. But at some point she witnesses the husband mistreating his wife.

NOTE: It would be easier if she simply witnessed him killing someone (might not be his wife...perhaps an affair), but I'd like it better if he was just a horrible abuser.

So now the tables turn, and we're on her side when she begins to terrorize him. Slowly at first, but then she catches him by surprise and makes him her prisoner so she can get back at him for the bad things he has done.

Ending: I think the ending to Option #1 is obvious. When the celebrity discovers the truth, he tells her off of course, but since he secretly has fallen in love with her, he doesn't press charges. Then when he wants to win her back, he has to sneak into her sorority house and stay hidden until he can find her. Done.

With Option #2, it all depends on how dark you want to take it. If the guy has actually committed a murder, then the homeless woman probably has him tied up but doesn't want to call the police because she has no proof of what he did and no one would believe her story (as the guy will point out). So she has to get him to tell her where to find some of the evidence. And at some point, after she has the evidence she needs, he gets loose and seems to have the upper-hand before she kills him.

If he isn't a murderer, it becomes a much darker story of this woman taking out all the abuse she's suffered on this man who, while a bastard, doesn't deserve what she dishes out. Who lives and who dies is up in the air, but no one makes it out of this version unscathed.

Just Add Money: Cancer Betting

As a writer, whenever I come across an interesting story or experience a unique incident, I find myself pondering how it could best be used in a movie or television show. While I don't plan to give away all my secrets, from time to time I'll give up an outline for free. If you have the money to make it, then you can go ahead and take it.

Take this story for example:



Title: Obviously you've got to have some sort of play on words with the whole idea of gambling. Something along the lines of "Betting the House" or "You Bet Your Life."

Format: This screams "made for TV movie." I really don't see it any other way. Unfortunately, the majority of made for TV movies aren't any good. But if you follow my suggestions, I think you'll have a keeper.

Tone: There's the potential for this to be uber-cheesy, but that does appeal to a lot of the older TV audience out there. Personally I'd rather see it go the route of Wit and be incredibly depressing while also managing to illicit a few laughs.

Story: Introduce the main character. He's a loner and kind of a curmudgeon. Lives next to an orphanage or something similar and is mean to the kids. But we see him secretly do something endearing, so we like him. Then he gets the bad news about the cancer. People hear and try to comfort him, but he pushes them all away, except for one little boy who he makes a strong connection with. Somehow he hears about the possibility of making a bet. He does it because at first he wants the money for something selfish, but as he becomes better friends with the boy, he pledges to give it to the orphanage (or whatever it is).

Ending: While I hope the real life man keeps winning his bet for years to come, the guy in this story has to die. Off the top of my head, I picture one of two things:

1. Everything seems fine, and on the day that he can collect, the boy goes over to accompany him to the bank and finds him dead. It's very sad. But people hear the story and begin to donate money and the orphanage makes more than it would have from the bet and builds something named after the old guy.

2. The old guy gets sick close to the end of the bet. Hospitalized. Doing everything he can to hang on. Probably an estranged family member shows up and has a heartwarming moment. And all of the kids from the orphanage show up with the bet collector people on the day the bet ends, and he signs the stuff over. We never actually see him die, so it's a little less depressing. But schmaltzier.